I was asked recently about the difference between queerplatonic and friendship.

hawkelf:

This is a lightly edited form of the resulting email.

So the first thing to remember with a queerplatonic relationship is that they vary a LOT depending on who’s involved. My particular relationship is not necessarily what is regarded as the norm. If there even is a norm, which I like to think there isn’t. The main difference between myself and other folks who I see currently talking about their queerplatonic relationships is that I’m asexual and WTFromantic, and my queerplatonic partner is *sexual, *romantic. We’re also both poly, which is a bit of an added twist (or is it?) but doesn’t really matter here.

Second thing to remember: if I get too confusing, it’s okay and encouraged to ask me to clarify. Or to get a second opinion. Or both!

Third thing: a queerplatonic relationship essentially IS a friendship. That is the sort of bond that a queerplatonic relationship (QPR for short) is founded on.

There’s a good quote/definition by se-smith (here).  “Queerplatonic is a word for describing relationships where an intense emotional connection transcending what people usually think of as a ‘friendship’ is present, but the relationship is not romantic in nature; people in a queerplatonic relationship may think of themselves as partners, may plan on spending their lives together, etc.”

To copy a different definition from my own notes (I know I ripped it off somewhere), a QPR is “a platonic relationship that takes on the supposed behavior and intimacy of a romantic one.”

So basically, a platonic relationship = a friendship, and a queerplatonic relationship = the most badass motherfucker of all friendships. BFFs? BFFs for LIFE. Does that make sense?

For example, I happen to be in a queerplatonic relationship with a person to whom I refer as “the roomie.” This is, in fact, because we now live together. We’ve done so for two years, and we were planning it for at least two to three years before that. We intend to continue living together indefinitely, potentially for the rest of our lives. To date, our friendship is about eight, nine years old.

I do have other friends, some who have been around for eighteen years, some who have been around for a few months, and a bunch somewhere in the middle. I can picture myself living with some of them as roommates for a while, sure. But not for more than a year or two, at least as things stand now. These aren’t people that I plan my life with, these aren’t people that I necessarily plan my life around. The roomie, on the other hand, is.

Some queerplatonic partners are more physically demonstrative and affectionate with their QPPs. They hold hands, they cuddle, they do things that most of society marks as ‘romantic.’ I’m also more comfortable around the roomie than I am most people, but that doesn’t manifest as hand holding, cuddling, kissing, or any of that generally ‘romantic’ display of affection. It doesn’t have to. I care a lot about my QPP, and that means that I wander around the house in my pajamas, headbutt him, let him headbutt me, and other things that I don’t really do with other people.

So here’s a weird question. Have you watched Clerks? Dogma? Any of those View Askew movies that Kevin Smith made? In Dogma, Jay introduces himself and his ‘heterosexual life partner’ Silent Bob. Not the first lines out of Jay’s mouth, but close enough. They are powerful, important moving forces in each other’s lives. In some ways, they have priority over anyone else. What those ways are can change depending on the QPR. Some don’t ever live together, some of us do, some even have commitment ceremonies, some like things a lot more casual.

When my roomie and I go out, people tend to assume one of two things: we’re dating, or we’re siblings. We’re really close. At some point, a lot of QPPs end up being faced with the question of “are you SURE you’re not in a romantic relationship?” I have a friend, I’ve known her eighteen years, I call her my sister. She insists that I’m dating the roomie. I’m not. I’ve had crushes before, and various romantic feelings. This is not like that. I love the guy, dearly, I do. But not romantically. And even with the crushes I’ve experienced, I can’t exactly quantify WHY or WHAT that difference is. I just know it’s there. But I also know this isn’t just an average friendship.

Similarly, the roomie feels differently about me than he does his romantic partners. They’re all ridiculously adorable together (<- my opinion, aka fact). But he’s said, when pushed by outside forces, some really nice things that I’m not allowed to repeat. Neither of us is extremely demonstrative, especially verbally. Possibly the opposite. So. I know he takes our relationship seriously. He also relies on me to understand when other friendships/relationships need a bit more time. Because at times that happens, but we always make sure to make time for each other in our often super hectic schedules.

The final, maybe fourth, thing to remember is that a queerplatonic relationship requires one HELL of a lot of communication, at least at first. Well, maybe not at first, but it really tends to work out better that way. It’s not how I did it, but my partner and I like to do three impractical and potentially backfiring things before breakfast. If you think that you’re headed into a queerplatonic partnership with this person, ask. If they don’t know the word, then talk about it! Other words have been used similarly in the past; platonic life-mates/partners, heterosexual life-mates/partners, and for the Animorphs geeks out there, there is shorm. A deep friend to whom one would never lie, someone knowing all one’s secrets, whose tail blade could be pressed on one’s throat without causing concern. Way to go, K.A. Applegate (and ghost writers), because that sums up me and my roomie pretty damn well.

In the end, it doesn’t really matter what words you use to get it across, or if you even use a title for it. What matters is finding out what’s going on clearly, especially if you’re confused. What’s right for you and your buddy is what’s right, and don’t worry about the rest of us. Okay? That’s the main thing, really. And a queerplatonic partnership doesn’t necessarily rule out the possibility of future romantic relationships, or even more QPRs either. At very least, that’s not how the roomie and I function.