pantheonofdiscord:

For Lack of a Better Word

Part 15/24:
Mauerbauertraurigkeit
noun
1. the inexplicable urge to push people away, even closer friends who you really like

Since the fight in the kitchen, Castiel has barely left his
bedroom. For the last three days, all he’s done is sit on his bed, trapped in
his own thoughts.

He doesn’t read or write in his notebooks, doesn’t scroll
through his phone. He only leaves the room late at night, when he’s certain Sam
and Dean are asleep and there’s no chance of running into them in the halls.
Even then, he’s out and back in quickly, making dashes to the bathroom, or the
kitchen when his hunger gets too painful to ignore.

Dean has pounded on the door, rattling the handle and
yelling words like coward and asshole. Sam once sat outside for two
hours, speaking softly through the wooden slats at the bottom of the door. Castiel
doesn’t really know what he’d been saying. He tuned him out.

It’s hard for him to even understand why. Even through all
his confusion and pain and anger, it’s as though Castiel is at war with
himself. Every moment he spends in his self-imposed solitude, there’s a voice
in his head, somewhere at the back, screaming to be heard.

Apologize, it
says. What are you doing, why are you
just sitting there? Stand up and open the door and fix this.

The thoughts run on a loop in his head, and each passing
second Castiel feels the voice try and propel him up out of bed.

It never does, though. That little voice isn’t quite loud
enough to drown out the other – the one filled with bleak and heavy certainty,
that knows what must be done now.

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