deancasbigbang:

Title: under star-drowned skies
Author: Jake
Artist: TessaKallArts
Rating: Explicit
Pairings: Dean/Castiel (minor Jo/Charlie)
Wordcount: 24000
Warnings/Tags: No Archive Warnings Apply, In-Depth Mental Health Discussions, John Winchester’s A+ Parenting (discussed, not shown), Canon-mirror AU, Spiritual Aspects
Posting: 10/30/2018

Summary:

There’s a difference between knowing and understanding, between knowing and believing. A thin line between Jimmy Novak, a doctor who provides care for those labeled a “lost cause”, and Castiel, an angelic force made flesh for reasons unknown. It’s one he walks every day, and for the most part, he keeps the balance- he goes to work, he goes to therapy, he takes his medication. He keeps his secret close to his chest.

Until he finds a man named Dean, bloodied from a knife fight, in his bathroom in the middle of the night. After that, the line gets blurry.

It’s a hurricane that brings them closer together, an earthquake that pulls their secrets from the dark and lays them bare. Learning to depend on and trust one another is almost too easy; weathering the storms of the world is infinitely harder, choosing when to fight and when to bend and when to break.

If they can find a way to make a home, under star-drowned skies, they may find a way to stay.

---

Clearing his throat, Cas tries, “Dean, about- the call, the other day.”

He can see Dean’s hands tense on the wheel. “Yeah, Cas?”

“I just- you didn’t ask about- well, any of it, really.” He’s intentionally trying to avoid falling back on his therapy voice as he offers, “I want to help you understand it, if you have questions.”

Dean’s quiet for a moment before he sighs, shaking his head. “I don’t- Cas, I don’t think I can understand this.”

Something cold and slick falls into Cas’ stomach, and he nods a little, looking out the windshield. So they weren’t actually okay, that’s okay, Cas can handle that, it’s okay-

“And I don’t think you should have to- fight to try to make me understand.” They pull to a stop at a light, and Dean looks at Cas, a quiet kind of intensity in his voice as he continues, “You shouldn’t- I don’t understand a lot people I care about, I don’t know get half of what you and Sam talk about- Hell, I know I’m not the easiest to understand either. But we don’t- I don’t need to understand everything to still want you around.”

Cas doesn’t know what to do with- any of this, what Dean is saying. Caring about him, sure, but- wanting to keep him around, that’s- what does that mean?

The light is green, but there’s no one behind him, so he finishes with, “I can’t understand this, Cas, but I’m- gonna try to accept it, alright?”

He waits for Cas to nod before pulling through the now yellow light. The rest of the trip is still quiet but now there’s a hum to it, anticipation of- something, something is going to happen.

Dean walks him up to his door, and normally he’d be telling some joke about making sure no one is waiting for Cas inside, since that’s Dean’s territory, but now he’s just quiet. Cas unlocks the door but doesn’t even bother pretending to open it, just staring at Dean, who’s just staring at him.

He has a moment of knowing, he thinks, just for a moment that Dean wants to kiss him. And he looks away, embarrassed, thinking, No, I just want him to kiss me-

Oh. Oh.