Tag: ptsd

deancasbigbang:

Title: About Five Times The Distance

Author: cuddlemonsterdean

Artist: carolinasacco

Rating: Explicit

Length: 46k

Pairings: Dean/Castiel (Sam/Eileen, Mary/AU!Bobby (mentioned))

Warnings: Canon-level violence, PTSD, Anxiety, Flashbacks and Nightmares

It’s been months since Michael unexpectedly let Dean go, but he’s still dealing with the mental and physical repercussions, some of which have turned out to be permanent. He’s had to adjust how to deal with hunts and that he likely won’t ever be at a 100% again. On the upside, he and Cas are close now in a way that he’d never dared hope for, have made it clear how they feel for each other. Dean’s greedy for every bit of affection they share, helplessly wanting more but unsure if Cas wants the same. Dean’s family got him back and he’s got them, but they’re all dealing with their own respective issues and hang-ups, and when they – Cas, Dean, Sam, Eileen, and Jack – embark on a case of missing homeless people in San Diego, it all comes bubbling to the surface.

This case fic follows Dean and Cas as they develop their relationship and establish intimacy, and while there’s angst, the story is focused on healing and closeness, and there’s a happy ending.

Link to fic

Link to art (one art piece is slightly NSFW)

theriverscribe:

spn-bythegraceofgod:

Story: Teach Your Children by TheRiverScribe
Series: By the Grace of God (Part Ten)

Fandom:  Supernatural
Rating:  Teen
Characters:
Sam, Dean, Mary, Castiel, Gabriel, Raphael, Morpheus, Sariel, Nuriel, Zadkiel
Ships: Destiel is unfurling her sails (slowest. burn. ever.)
Word Count:  71,619
Status:  UNFINISHED, 9/? chapters

Summary:  
The time has come for Sam to learn how to control his grace.  
But he’s already gone through training as a child once, and he hated it.
Now, Sam will test his own limits–and the limits of everyone around him.


Warnings (CH 9 SPECIFIC) 
Anxiety attacks, mentions past child abuse, very vague mention of spanking (none occurs!), INTENSE EMOTIONAL ANGST!!

Series Summary Below

Keep reading

Me, awaiting my readers’ reactions.

image

Read this!!!!!

keep the nightmares out, give me mouth to mouth

theriverscribe:

unforgvnsam:

ao3 link

pairing: castiel/sam winchester (could [?] be considered gen)
word count: 4.5k
tags: hurt/comfort, protective castiel, cage trauma, post-lucifer’s-possession-of-castiel’s-vessel trauma, nightmares, minor self-harm, anxiety and dissociation, bed sharing

this is largely @gaywitchtwins​ and @eruthiawenluin​‘s fault, bc we were talking about why cas doesn’t canonically share a room with sam anymore after early s11 spoiler alert: it’s bc of lucifer. and that lead to me hc that sam has anxiety attacks and dissociative episodes painfully similar to the hallucifer stuff in s7 too. i love you but fuck you very much, nate and eru. and if it’s not noticeable, i really love castiel calling sam by his full name and vice versa.

Sam: I thought you got a room with two beds and a couch.

Sam sighs as he sends the message to Dean. It’s stupid. He shouldn’t be nervous or upset or scared or anything like that. Castiel says something and Sam looks up, trying to act normal, even though he lost the ability to feel like that a long time ago. Cas is sitting across from him at the table, helping him research for the case. “Sorry, what?”

“Is something wrong, Sam?”

Cas looks genuinely concerned even though Sam only sighed once, and Sam feels oddly guilty because it just reminds him how damn stupid it is. Sam shakes his head slightly and shrugs. “No. It’s fine. Just… It’s nothing.” Cas gives him a confused nod but doesn’t push, which Sam appreciates while a part of him does wish he would ask again.

Dean: nope, one bed. one couch. it’s the best thing the mtoel had available and I didnt wanna have to find another place.
Dean: **motel
Dean: figured you can share a bed w Cas. i’ll take the couch.

And there. That’s exactly what Sam was stupidly afraid Dean would say.

Sam: Why am I sharing with Cas??
Dean: idk, because you’ve shared w him before. hell, you’ve even shared at the bunker. thought you wouldn’t mind.
Sam: oh.
Dean: DO you mind ???

Sam types out an answer but hits the backspace until his reply is gone because it’s a little too on the defensive side and puts his phone down, needing to take a moment before he tries again. He notices Cas glancing down at the books on the table instead of meeting his eyes and Sam fights the urge to sigh, looking back at the news article on his laptop instead.

It’s not that he minds it. Or he doesn’t mind Castiel anyway. Dean’s right. They have shared before, and maybe Sam didn’t mind it at all then. Maybe it was comforting for both of them. But they also haven’t slept in the same bed since Cas said yes to—

Sam: No, it’s okay. I was just wondering. Also it’s only a full sized bed and I’m bigger than you.

There. That’s pretty neutral and makes him seem okay, right? God, if only he was okay.

Keep reading

It’s 3am and now I am CRYING!

Thanks for this…my heart wasn’t serving any real purpose anyway.

Sigh No More

theriverscribe:

By TheRiverScribe

Summary: 
It’s been three days since Dean and Castiel had left for the nightmare apocalypse world. 
Three days of research Sam had no way of sharing across dimensions. 
Three days of existing off black coffee and dry cereal. 
Three days of clutching a phone that never rang.
Sam didn’t like waiting alone—he wasn’t used to it.
But you’re not alone, his mind whispered.
Word Count:  8,657
Characters:  Sam, Gabriel, Castiel, Dean
Pairings:  Hints of Sabriel and Destiel (can be read as not)
Warnings: Past Torture, Anxiety Attacks
***SPOILERS FOR 13×13***

Read on AO3, or continue below!!

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Waah omg this is AWESOME and amazing and speechless read this now for patented flungst (fluff and angst) do it NOW

A Priceless Piece

theriverscribe:

scrollingkingfisher:

AO3

Words: 1593

Rating:  T

“Five hundred thousand dollars! Five hundred thousand dollars for Sam Winchester’s heart!”                                                                                                Sam is captured for the monster auction. Some old memories make an appearance.

Warnings for: Torture, Hell flashbacks, Suicidal thoughts

Thanks to @theriverscribe for betaing! You’re the best!

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OH GODS!!! 

YOUR DARK IS THE DARKEST DARK TO EVER DARK.

THANKS FOR TAKING MY OVERABUNDANCE OF FEELS FROM “BREAKDOWN” AND MAGNITIZING IT.  IMMA GO COCOON NOW.

My Samoose!!! My squish heart bleeds…

the uncanniness of being Sam

theriverscribe:

denugis:

So I was just talking about how Sam’s reactions are often postponed, displaced, made indirect. But think about how that overlaps with the places where Sam is literally displaced from himself. Meg stole his body and mind and played out some of Sam’s deep fears about his darkness. It was, among other things, an intrusion into and disruption of Sam’s own grappling. And I’ve mentioned before that, so far from being excessively emotional, Sam’s anger about Gadreel is unnervingly rational and temperate. There are lots of reasons for that, but one of them may be that by the time Sam became aware of the possession, Gadreel had already played Sam’s reaction. By the time Sam actually had a chance to react as himself, he would have been able to remember Gadreel pretending to be Sam punching Dean, Gadreel pretending to be Sam saying “Maybe I would have liked the choice” (and how horrifying is it that that bid for agency in his own life was not Sam speaking at all, but the being who was using his tongue and the contents of his brain without his will or knowledge? that’s a whole lot of irony, there). If Sam just sounds emptied and exhausted when he’s finally aware and face-to-face with Dean at the end if 9.10, it’s partly because he’s bleeding out of holes in his brain, but it must also have been partly because he’s crucially belated: the immediacy of his response to what was stolen from him is one of the things that was stolen from him. 

It’s no wonder Sam has trouble with direct, immediate reactions to his own experience. 

I often wonder how much Sam dissociates on average.

Between depression, PTSD, constant retraumatizing events that impact his autonomy, and actually having his personality split three-ways (s6 finale, anyone?), Sam has to have some some hardcore dissociation skills.

And that goes with delayed emotional reactions.

Compartmentalizing trauma is a survival technique. It allows him to function each day with all these memories weighing him down. But eventually, that stops working or one of those carefully sealed “boxes” breaks open and all those issues pour out.