This is a random, completed chapter from my still untitled book. I have almost 40,000 written so far. Thatās all the context you get folks. Please please leave feedback if you are so inclined!
Word Count:1024
Warnings: I donāt think any – let me know if Iām mistaken
**
āWhy didnāt you tell me?ā Dean clenched his teeth, breathing
heavily.
āIā¦I didnāt thinkā¦.ā Sam stammered.
āNo. No, you didnāt think Sam. You didnāt care about anybody
but yourself.ā Dean pushed past him, sending Sam stumbling into the kitchen
table. Sam grabbed his side, wincing in pain. That was gonna leave a bruise,
Sam thought. Dean stormed out the front door, slamming the screen behind him.
Sam waited, wondering if he should follow him. His fingers
played with the hem of his shirt. He nervously shifted from one foot to the
other, finally making his decision. He turned and went back to his bedroom,
alone.
Dean walked past a junker near the door, reaching in and
grabbing one of his several stashed bottles of whiskey. He unscrewed the cap
and quickly drank down a few large swallows. He wandered around outside for
nearly thirty minutes, drinking and pacing. He paced all over the yard – back
and forth, trying to get his anger under control. After calming himself, he
realized he overreacted.
He couldnāt stay mad at Sam for long, though and came back
inside to apologize for his outburst. They needed to work things out. They were
going to have to figure out how to manage this newā¦ability. He knew Sam was
still sensitive, and Dean was willing to step up for this.
Sam wasnāt in the kitchen, so Dean figured he just went back
to his bedroom. He knew Sam was probably still upset and angry, too. They
hadnāt fought like that since before Sam was kidnapped. Dean took his time down
the hallway, practicing his apology in his head, wondering if Sam could hear
him.
āWorth a try,ā Dean said out loud. āDude. Sam. Iām sorry. Weāll
figure it out, ok?ā this he said in his head, just in case Sam could hear him
now, he made all his thoughts apologetic and comforting.
āSammy?ā Dean knocked on Samās door, which opened when Dean
pushed gently. The room was empty.
Hereās a post I did about Deanās self awareness, as part of my dean is not emotionally stunted series, but honestly there could be much more added to that set. Like you said, the way he apologizes. His self awareness is part of his emotional intelligence. And I was thinking the other day: How in the world did that man get his emotional intelligence because it wasnāt from John, and it wasnāt from Bobby. I think it starts with his innate empathy.Ā
Check out this comparison from s5 where both Dean and Bobby are depressed and hopeless at different points and Deanās reaction to Bobby in 5.07:
Compared with Bobbyās reaction to Dean in 5.18:
Donāt think Dean learned a lot about empathy from Bobby.Ā
And I know people like to speculate that Dean was forced into being a person who cares about other people because John forced him to take care of Sam. But thereās an important distinction that Iāve talked about before. John forced him to take care of Sam but he didnāt force him to care about Sam. Or even to take care of Sam well. Mostly it was about keeping him from harm. It wasnāt about making sure Sam had his mac and cheese with marshmallow fluff (gifs from 10.12).
or a nice fourth of july (from 5.16):
He did that purely because he liked seeing his brother happy. Because of his natural empathy.Ā His empathy is definitely innate. Heās been comforting people since he was four years old. We saw in his memory rom 5.16 that he was able to recognize when Mary was sad and comforted her.
Standard caveat, he shouldnāt have been in a position where it was his job to be his motherās emotional support. But because heās innately empathetic, he wants to comfort people, and make them happy. He sees how his mother responded to comfort and heās not only learning about her emotions from things like this, but his own as well. More of the same, as he went on to exhibit empathy toward Sam and John in the same way.Ā
(2.01) And since no one else was paying attention to Deanās emotions, that became another job for him. He had to learn ways to hide them in order to keep functioning. Because the burden was just too great for a child to bear otherwise. This level of emotional care for others was extremely Ā damaging to Dean, because while he was busy being empathetic and taking care of everybody else, no one was taking care of his emotions:
(2.22, 5.16)
And thatās why he dismisses his own feelings. He understands them perfectly well. He just doesnāt think their worth consideration and care from others. Because they never have been.Ā
But his empathy (from which his self-awareness grew) was never snuffed out, despite everything that he went through. The lack of any emotional care? All that talk about being a good soldier? John punishing Dean by leaving him at a boysā home for months? None of that snuffed it out. I think about that a lot.
Letās discuss this episode from season 1 real quick. Based on the lack of regard Dean has for supernatural healers and their general conduct here, itās reasonable to think that Sam hasnāt ever seen his big brother so close to death before. Heās definitely seen Dean pretty badly wounded, but Samās probably done his best to put those times out of his mind as well during Stanford because thatās what he does: he suppresses his own traumatic experiences for the sake of others. Here, heās so youngāonly recently having lost Jessāand heās already providing that beacon of hope he always does for Dean (and the fandom!) whenever things get bleak. And although itās easy to forget with how often the boys die later on, this wasnāt the case back then! Itās no wonder Samās so scared, and so desperate to save his brother. He doesnāt really know what itās like to be going at this alone, especially when heās tied to the hunting life. Still, heās taking on the burden of keeping faith for everyone already, and heās never been allowed to put it down. This is why Iām thrilled with recent episodes giving glimpses into his mental health and the weight he carries, and why itās so important that he has that after 13 seasons of playing the optimist.
I like how Dean just listened to Sam at the end of the last episode. He called him out, reminded him why what he did might bite them in the ass, but he didnāt shut down on him after that. He could see how shaken his brother was and he just listened to him, offered his solidarity, and was justā¦there. He didnāt take it personally like he often does- which ends up making things worse for both of them. He just listened and offered his familiar āweāll get through thisā talk- which Sam might not be able to hear right now, but itās important that he hears that even if heās losing faith, Dean believes in them.
I like that Sam is having this very internal struggle- this helplessness and guilt (that they get people killed, that pretty much everything he set out to do since the beginning of the season has failed) but despite all of it he knows that if he knew how to share- Dean would be right there to listen to it. Usually the brothers are at odds when they end up in their dark places- so itās interesting to see them both have these moments of weakness and self doubt as completely separate entities while they still have a solid relationship- because usually these moments of self loathing and guilt are because of something that is broken in that relationship.
Karate, SPN Demonic Octopus Guardian 