“So yeah, before y’all see Supernatural a lot of work has gone into it, but a lot of work has gone into us trying to figure out every second.” (NJCon 2018)
I usually don’t put comments on other people’s sets but the fact that there are people in the tags trashing Sam over this: I wonder how many times Sam pleaded with Lucifer to stop when Lucifer was torturing and raping and abusing him in the cage?? I wonder how many times he’s silently pleaded when he was experiencing flashbacks and how he’s been haunted for years by Lucifer – his abuser – the same devil who has maimed and killed others as well all for selfish reasons and because he’s genuinely evil? Being mad at Sam for trying to protect his family from Lucifer and for being able to finally stand up to his abuser after everything he’s done is literally shaming the victim and it sickens me. Lucifer deserved worse; Sam did what he had to do by shoving him back and making sure he nor Michael followed him through the rift.
He should have actually stabbed him first, then shoved him dead on the ground, IMO. Good riddance.
Chapters: 5/? Fandom: Supernatural, Marvel Cinematic Universe Rating: Explicit Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationships: Loki/Tony Stark, Tony Stark & Sam Winchester, Clint Barton & Natasha Romanov, Loki & Sam Winchester, Clint Barton/Sam Winchester Characters: Sam Winchester, Tony Stark, Clint Barton, Natasha Romanov (Marvel), Loki (Marvel), Steve Rogers, Bruce Banner, Thor (Marvel), Kevin Tran Additional Tags: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Depression, Anxiety, Nightmares, Winchester Coping Mechanisms, Big Brother Tony, Tony takes care of Sam, Hurt Sam, Sad Sam, Loki and Sam are bros, best bros, Loki knew Gabriel, Lots of angst in here, Dean in Purgatory, Developing Friendships, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, trigger warnings for:, mentions of torture, The Cage, Violence, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder – PTSD Series: Part 14 of Family Don’t End With Blood Summary:
After Dean and Castiel are blasted into Purgatory, Sam is left alone and with no idea where his brother or his brother’s angel are, or if they’re even alive. After exhausting all angles, Sam does the only thing he can do – he calls his other brother. And, just like always, Tony rushes right in, ready to help Sam try and pick up the pieces and find a way to put his life back together.
It’s going to take more than just Tony this time, though. After dealing with the crazy that came from his broken wall, and the memories that never went away, and now losing his brother, Sam was broken in more ways than ever before. Will Tony and the other Avengers be able to help him put all the pieces back together? Or had he finally been broken one too many times?
Warnings: self harm (sort of) mentioned
but not described, terrified Sam, protective Dean.
“Sammy! Coffee!” Dean hollered to
his brother from the kitchen. But there was no response. Dean
waited a few more minutes and Sam still hadn’t responded, hadn’t made a sound.
Dean paused and listened closely before he called again. The bunker was quiet.
“Sam, get your ass down here, we
gotta hit the road in ten!” Still there was nothing but silence. Dean
sighed heavily and rolled his eyes. Sam was probably fixing his hair or
something. He headed down the hall to Sam’s bedroom. He gave a sharp
knock, making sure Sam knew of his impatience. Sam did not respond.
“Dude, seriously, come on –“
Dean opened the door to his brother’s room. He did not expect to find the
bedroom empty. Dean frowned. Where the hell was his brother?
He searched all the main rooms, his
own room, and the bathroom, but couldn’t find his brother. He tried
calling his cell, but Sam did not pick up. It wasn’t like Sam to just take off
without telling him. His heart beat a little faster, but he wasn’t
worried just yet.
That is, until he opened the door to
the boiler room and found Sam crouched in the corner, visibly shaking.
“Sam?” Dean started to
run toward his younger brother.
Sam held up his hand and yelled for
Dean to stop. In his other hand, he held a large knife. Dean’s eyes
grew wide and he froze in his tracks.
“Sam?” Dean asked cautiously.
“What are you doing with the knife?”
Sam shook his head. He was sweating
and he looked terrified.
“It’s all my fault, Dean. All
of this. Every last thing. My fault.” His eyes turned away
from Dean and he stared at the wall, knife still held firmly in his grasp.
“What’s your fault, Sam?” He tried
to slowly make his way over to his brother.
“Charlie died because of me,
Dean. You know that. You accused me of that. You told me it
should have been me up there, my body burning. I know now you were right. I should have died.” Sam had shifted himself underneath a
table. He awkwardly pulled his knees up under his chin, his body
trembling.
Dean blinked. He was
confused. Where was this suddenly coming from? He tried to keep his voice
calm, even though he was angry and scared. How was he going to fix this?
“I…I was under the mark of Cain,
Sam! I don’t think it should have been you. You know that, right?”
Dean tried to sound reassuring as he tried to assess the situation. But
Sam was shaking his head.
“Kevin too. I literally was
the one who murdered him.” He started chewing on his fingernails.
“Sam, that was Gadreel!” He
raked his hands through his hair. Dean’s concern over Sam’s behavior was
growing. What was going on? He couldn’t get any closer because Sam
kept clutching the knife, holding it closer to his body.
Sam kept talking, much faster
than usual.
“And that car accident? When Dad
traded his soul for yours so that you could live? I was driving the
fucking car, Dean!”
“Sammy, you’re not seriously blaming
yourself for that? Azazel sent a demon after us, it doesn’t matter who
was driving!”
“You know what else?” Sam was
practically sobbing now. “Bobby, too. He died because of me!”
“Sam, hell, no! Dick Roman killed
Bobby!” Dean tried to reach out to his brother, but Sam was startled by
the quick movement and scooted further back under the table, moving the knife
to his neck.
“Sammy! What the hell are you
doing, put that down!” Dean choked back a sob.
“And whose fault is it that the
Leviathans were released, huh? Who started all of that! That was
me!” Sam’s voice caught in his throat and his sobbing intensified.
Dean shook his head, tears falling
from his eyes, too.
“Sammy stop!”
Dean couldn’t believe what he was
hearing. Or seeing. He had to do something.
He didn’t want to call him, but he
needed backup for this one, and he knew the demon could probably help.
“Crowley!” Dean called, balling his
fists against his sides, his voice thick with panic.
(to be continued…)
Squee’s Supporters below the cut –
My Forevers! Let me know
if you’d like to added or removed!
i haven’t watched 13.17 yet (actually i haven’t watched any of the last ten eps yet woops) but i came across a gifset about sam insisting on watching his cholesterol and
it’s kind of charming and also sad because in terms of ‘causes of high risk of mortality in sam winchester’s life’ a possible future slide into hyperlipidemia, hypertension and coronary disease in a decade or more is pretty low on the list
and yet it also makes total sense to me that he would worry about it because it is the one item on the list he has quite a bit of control over. he can’t prevent his long, steady slide into premature cognitive decline thanks to numerous head injuries; he can’t prevent the everpresent danger of one false move leading to a gruesome death as he hunts (i mean, he tried to, but apparently sam is a Traitor if he attempts at anything approaching self-preservation, so); he can’t help that his mind, body and soul are literally hanging together via angelic thread; he can’t help the ptsd or the hallucinations or the insomnia or his walking depression. but food? that’s one thing he can decide for himself.
it reminds me of the time in early s7 when sam was in the middle of a florid psychotic break and he got into a fitness kick, trying to squeeze in a run/workout when he could. like he said in 7.02, he’s just “trying to hold onto the safety bar and ride it out.”
I believe Sam has three chronologies of memory that all feel valid. Feel like ‘his life’.
One: He can feel his life of 35 years. The person he was when Death put in the wall. That’s coming up on 35 years of chronological memories with about a year and a half missing.
Two: At the same time, when he looks at his memories as Soulless, he gets those memories, and that feels as continuous and true as the chronological experience of waking with the wall.
Yes, I know I always hone in on Sam for my analyses, but it’s hard not to when he’s my favorite character. This episode was really interesting in regards to Sam and his storyline, but before I even get into that, I went to talk about the title.
“Breakdown”
There are multiple ways this title can be looked at.
It’s a direct reference to the fact that people are literally getting broken down and taken apart by a human so that their organs can be sold to monsters.
Since this episode did a good job of getting into Sam’s emotions and getting more into his head it can be seen as referencing a break down of Sam’s psyche so that the audience can better understand him.
It can also basically refer to the fact that Sam is broken down at this point, he’s tired, he’s depressed, and the way his life is, with all the negative things that happen to him and the people around him, has just gotten to him. That façade he had put up in the first half of the season has essentially broken down.
Since I have a ton of thoughts about this the rest of my write-up of Sam’s storyline in this episode is under the cut.
Let’s discuss this episode from season 1 real quick. Based on the lack of regard Dean has for supernatural healers and their general conduct here, it’s reasonable to think that Sam hasn’t ever seen his big brother so close to death before. He’s definitely seen Dean pretty badly wounded, but Sam’s probably done his best to put those times out of his mind as well during Stanford because that’s what he does: he suppresses his own traumatic experiences for the sake of others. Here, he’s so young—only recently having lost Jess—and he’s already providing that beacon of hope he always does for Dean (and the fandom!) whenever things get bleak. And although it’s easy to forget with how often the boys die later on, this wasn’t the case back then! It’s no wonder Sam’s so scared, and so desperate to save his brother. He doesn’t really know what it’s like to be going at this alone, especially when he’s tied to the hunting life. Still, he’s taking on the burden of keeping faith for everyone already, and he’s never been allowed to put it down. This is why I’m thrilled with recent episodes giving glimpses into his mental health and the weight he carries, and why it’s so important that he has that after 13 seasons of playing the optimist.
I like how Dean just listened to Sam at the end of the last episode. He called him out, reminded him why what he did might bite them in the ass, but he didn’t shut down on him after that. He could see how shaken his brother was and he just listened to him, offered his solidarity, and was just…there. He didn’t take it personally like he often does- which ends up making things worse for both of them. He just listened and offered his familiar ‘we’ll get through this’ talk- which Sam might not be able to hear right now, but it’s important that he hears that even if he’s losing faith, Dean believes in them.
I like that Sam is having this very internal struggle- this helplessness and guilt (that they get people killed, that pretty much everything he set out to do since the beginning of the season has failed) but despite all of it he knows that if he knew how to share- Dean would be right there to listen to it. Usually the brothers are at odds when they end up in their dark places- so it’s interesting to see them both have these moments of weakness and self doubt as completely separate entities while they still have a solid relationship- because usually these moments of self loathing and guilt are because of something that is broken in that relationship.
Karate, SPN Demonic Octopus Guardian 